When he wakes you up for breakfast, say, “Oh, good morning, shitheel.” He’ll probably give you five dollars or some candy. You have to learn to do for yourself now. Fall upon your swords! [to one of the news reporters that has been beaten down] [to one of the news reporters that has been beaten down] We’re going to put the boots to you! [Ron, who’s starting to dose off, suddenly opens his eyes] Ron Burgundy: Oh, my God! [when nobody is looking, Jack tosses a cable onto the skating rink] Ron Burgundy: Hmm. Ron Burgundy: I don’t know what happened. Cute, funny little animals, huh? It’s going to be great. Ron Burgundy: I’ll tell you, those fellas, they got the looks, they got the curves, they got the, the chi-chi’s, and then at some point during the evening, you reach down below the belt looking to, to get a little muffellita and you get a handful of the battle of the bulge. Do not die in front of us! Gary: He’s externalizing, that’s okay. The garden gnome had a normal size penis. You’re sorry? GNN Director: They’re actually enjoying it. Is it a problem? Walter Burgundy: I hope you eat lots of fish and people, Doby. Ron Burgundy: I knew you had mind powers! But seriously, do you have any more of that crack left? Veronica Corningstone: Oh, my God. True story. But there is a procedure that can possibly return your sight. Brian Fantana: Yeah. Get up. [Ron does a softer bark and she joins in meowing then slaps him playfully in the face] You should just call Gary that, cause it makes him really happy. Champ Kind: Who loves chicken? I wasn’t calling for me, I was calling because Walter has a piano recital in half an hour at the Tishman School on 65th Street. Chani Lastnamé: I’m getting ready for Secret Santa. Kench Allenby: Can I get you to say with me, “How bloody are ya? Freddie Shapp: We’ll have separate cameras for you, and then sports and then weather. [as the sparkler drops it starts a fire which then causes a massive explosion]. [they all laugh]. Kench Allenby: Spike? We’ve got the graveyard shift! Ron Burgundy: You got three years left, my friend. Veronica Corningstone: Hello, Ron. Just let it go. Linda Jackson: You must be Veronica. Jack Lime: Oh, I don’t like… Oh, that new face is driving me crazy! [they hear Ron drive off] Chani Lastnamé: Sometimes it stops, but then it starts again. Ron Burgundy: Did you throw it? Ron Burgundy: Thought that if I could see again, that somehow I couldn’t love you and Walter anymore? If your ass is the North Star, wise men are gonna wanna follow it. Champ Kind: You made Brick cry. Brian Fantana: What? Walter Burgundy: In the future when you say I can name something, don’t be a dick about it. [Linda suddenly grabs hold of Ron and pushes him against the office window] Oh, look, it’s your own blood! Ron Burgundy: We’re just getting word that police have finally apprehended the suspect. Veronica Corningstone: You… Well. Linda Jackson: Can you hear me? Priorities! Ron Burgundy: No, he was just explaining who you were and I was looking at you. I really thought we had a chance this time. Ron Burgundy: The slain Civil Rights leader was eulogized… Ron Burgundy: Was that a bat? [Ron and Veronica then share an intimate kiss] Ron Burgundy: You, swam with strength. Champ Kind: Linda’s pretty busy. Brick Tamland: Why? Walter Burgundy: If he stays tangled in this net, he’s not going to survive. Brian Fantana: Sex Panther powers activate. Ron Burgundy: Yes, voodoo. Veronica Corningstone: Oh, Ron! Linda Jackson: Mother. I’ve never seen anything like it! History Channel Reporter: Yes, it is. Whammy! Ron Burgundy: Oh, I don’t think that dinner could’ve gone any better. Ron Burgundy: It’s just a bunch of crazy lines, isn’t it? Come on. Ron Burgundy: Well, tonight, our top story is what’s right with America. Ron Burgundy: Tony Danza’s scrotum! That’s the most badass thing I have ever heard. [he points to the number 93 which is showing on his crotch area] Around her bubble. And we’ve culled the whole country for the best newsmen. Call ourselves “The Ladykillers.” I,, uh, got some news. Veronica Corningstone: Hello, sir. [suddenly they both throw their soda cans on the floor, grab each other and start kissing passionately with Brick pushing Chani against the window, her dress then rolls up to reveal her underwear]. [Linda walks into the production room] Ron Burgundy: I mean, I’m just a guy from Terre Haute, Indiana, with a big ol’ dick and a fat wallet and a spleef the size of a baby arm, just looking for someone who wants to smoke it. And I want to spend the rest of my life… Ron Burgundy: I don't read Jet magazine or uh Jheri Curl Daily.Linda Jackson: What are you doing? Ron Burgundy: So what you got to do is serve fried bats? That confirms it! Hey. [Walter opens the box and takes out the lacy lingerie that was meant for Veronica] Ron Burgundy: Talk about a great ride. Veronica Corningstone: I’m not discussing work with you, Ron, okay? [Ron turns and walks off] Nope. [Jack shouts across the office again] Brian Fantana: And serious investigative pieces… I’m not good enough. Bark. Ron Burgundy: Mm-hmm. Ron Burgundy: The weirdo who lives in the weird lighthouse in the middle of nowhere. Let’s celebrate! Yeah! [Ron tries to swim away in panic] Ron Burgundy: Talk about a great ride. Ah! I’ll get it. Brian Fantana: Brick, it’s you! [as Ron flips high into the air and lands back down his skate catches on the cable causing him to fall hard on the ice] Veronica Corningstone: …interview of my entire career, and they’re cutting to a car chase? [six months later; at Sea World] Female Canadian Anchor: What about the French-speaking Quebec News? [everyone gathers on the stage floor to watch Ron, including his team and Jack; to Linda and Freddie] Who is this Julius Caesar? Linda Jackson: But, listen, I mean, you’re back. We got further than anybody thought we would. Ron Burgundy: What? Ron Burgundy: No. Come here. Ron Burgundy: What? Is that the ghost of Stonewall Jackson with you? Ron Burgundy: I mean, I’m just a guy from Terre Haute, Indiana, with a big ol’ dick and a fat wallet and a spleef the size of a baby arm, just looking for someone who wants to smoke it. Yes. Priest: And now, before I join this couple in holy matrimony, Brick and Chani ask us to join them as they exchange their vows. Ron Burgundy: One final question, and I’ll let you go. [whispering to Ron] Jack Lime: Shouldn’t you be doing her makeup? Ron Burgundy: I know you think I’m stupid, don’t you? Veronica Corningstone: What happened to the…? Jack Lime: Stay classy, Ron Burgundy. [Allenby is in Linda’s office looking at Ron through the glass window] Release your soul to me. [Ron throws down and smashes a lamp in anger] No offense, but you are a stupid asshole. [the next morning Allenby is looking at last night ratings] Life has no meaning! We’ve got state of the art facilities in Manhattan, and Kench Allenby, multi-millionaire and owner of Koala Airlines. Ron Burgundy: Taxi! [Tanning bends down to look closely at Veronica, he touches her neck] Ron Burgundy: Fuck you. Ron Burgundy: There’s got to be something in here! Whammy! Linda Jackson:, uh, they’re a local team out of San Diego. Now, go. Look! Brian Fantana: What about the time that you dared Champ to drink that beer stein full of Woolite? Ron Burgundy: It’s all tendon, look at it. Sea World Trainer: So, let’s say hello to the stars of the show, Chippy and Roo-roo! Veronica Corningstone: Sharks don’t have shoulders, Ron. Brick Tamland: I ain’t afraid of no ghost. WBC Producer: The network cut to another developing story. [as she finishes blowing her horn] Brian Fantana: If you drank half a bottle of that, that’s, that’s like, that’s like nine or ten gulps. Ron Burgundy: Alright, everyone, listen up! And then I begin what’s called “The Great Adventure.” Making breakfast. Ron Burgundy: No, it’s not. [we see the news team getting more successful as their ratings rise; Brian does an advert for underwear] Ron Burgundy: He’s a were-hyena! Veronica Corningstone: Alright. Just shut up for once! Taxi! Champ Kind: I’ve been living in a tent for the last two years. [the stage manager turns to their boss, Mack Tannen]   Hey! Today’s celebrity deaths, all you dick-licks. Jack Lime: That’ll do it for all of us here at GNN. Ron, you are missing some real high-quality Garfield laughs over here. I became blind. Ron Burgundy: If we lose, I’ll leave New York. Dad! What do we look like, rookies? Ron Burgundy: Oh, Walter. Ron Burgundy: The Big Apple. Ron Burgundy: What brings you here, Ron? Brian Fantana: Why? Ron Burgundy: Oh. Um, black. Ron Burgundy: It’s okay! Veronica Corningstone: Really? Mack Tannen: I’ve gone through four wives. Ron Burgundy: Look at me. GNN Director: What the hell is he doing? Linda’s Mother: Linda, I don’t understand what you are doing with him. Champ Kind: Oh, my gosh. It’s crack. Freddie Shapp: No, no, no. No! Veronica Corningstone: What did you tell him? That’s an immediate state of euphoria. But you have fallen victim to your own ego and your own hubris, and before others can forgive you, you must learn to forgive yourself. Ron Burgundy: Alright. Jack Lime: What did you say? It’s fun. Come on. [to the stage manager] [the message ends] Champ Kind: You haven’t heard? Ron Burgundy: Don’t indulge him. Kench Allenby: To synergy. I bottle fed and raised a shark. Yasser Arafat: Peace is what burns in my heart. Ron Burgundy: Maybe you should go. There was hands and hair, and breath, and lips. [just then Brian appears from behind a tree with a crowbar in his hand] You want to slug him. I’ve got it. Quit yanking our anuses. When I’m done with you, my mom’s going to pick me up and take me home. Don’t have to tell me twice. [Ron swims underwater towards Doby and holds out his arms] The shark actually recognizes him! Veronica Corningstone: Of course! Linda Jackson: Tell Ron to speculate who’s driving the car. Ron Burgundy: I made a promise! Veronica Corningstone: And I’m Veronica Corningstone. Brick Tamland: The monster’s my friend! Oh, what did I say? Champ Kind: Sounds to me like it’s her fault for being a randy gal. Gary: Hi, Ron. [Linda walks into the production room] Brick Tamland: Chani likes clowns, except for the scary ones. [one of the dolphins comes to the edge of the pool and starts squeaking] Comedy; Directed By: Adam McKay; In … Jack Lime: Let’s go, boys. Ron Burgundy: Guys, I’m sorry. [as they watch them from the production room] You son of a bitch! Ron Burgundy: Fine. Linda’s Mother: What are, what are you talking about? Veronica Corningstone: We’ve never been this happy, and I just thought that… It’s Doby! It really was. [at the same time Walter is at his science fair waiting for Ron to show up] [he holds up another condom packet showing a ghost hovering between a women’s legs] [Ron points to one of the TV’s showing a car chase] Veronica Corningstone: Now listen to me. Brian Fantana: Yasser who? Linda Jackson: So you have a black boss, and it’s freaking you out. Linda Jackson: Now, I want to hear you meow like a cat. When I get nervous, I sometimes lose control of the volume of my voice. We all dig. Brian Fantana: Hey, Ron, who’s driving? Alright, we’re up. Gary: Ron, it was nice meeting you. You’re a shitheel, Dad. [they wave at Doby as he jumps up to catch a fish to eat it] Jack Lime: I said, can I help you, guy? No, no, just stay there. [they continue to laugh].

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